If you and your partner have decided to separate or divorce, one of the many difficult decisions you will have to make is around the wellbeing of your children.

Sometimes, we’ve seen partners manage to amicably resolve these issues without legal intervention. However, that is rarely the case as this is a difficult transition to master.

Keeping your child’s life as simple and stress-free as possible after your separation is a top priority and engaging a parenting coordinator can ensure that your child has a positive and thriving life ahead of them.

Parenting Coordination aims to help you master the often difficult transition from intimate partners to co-parents.

What is parenting coordination?

From where your child will attend school to whether they will be raised to hold religious values, there are many decisions parents must make regarding their child’s upbringing. These decisions are complex enough for couples in positive relationships, let alone separating couples, where emotions can run high — and parenting coordination aims to resolve this.

Parenting coordination is a non-confidential child-focused alternative dispute resolution process particularly suited to parents who have had difficulty resolving child-related issues. It is a process that involves legal professionals highly qualified in family law. The parent coordinator acts as a neutral third party and assists parents in making decisions about co-parenting issues such as pick-up and drop-off schedules, how the child will be disciplined, where they will be educated and anything else concerning the child’s best interests.

The goal of parenting coordination is to reduce parental conflict and to help them work together more effectively in making decisions about their children’s lives. Parenting coordination can be particularly helpful in high-conflict cases where parents cannot communicate effectively or cooperate with each other.

What exactly does a parenting coordinator do?

Some of the ways a parenting coordinator can assist your family includes:

• Facilitating communication — A parenting coordinator helps facilitate communication between you and your partner to ensure you can effectively discuss co-parenting issues.

• Developing parenting plans —  helping parents create a parenting plan outlining how they will share parenting responsibilities, including decisions about education, healthcare and visitation.

• Resolving disputes —  helping parents resolve disputes related to their children, including discipline, schedules, communication and any other co-parenting issues.

• Offering expert guidance — A parenting coordinator can guide parents about child development and co-parenting strategies to help develop your communication skills.

• Providing recommendations —  A parenting coordinator may make recommendations to the Court about how to resolve disputes related to the children or co-parenting arrangements.

• Monitoring efforts from both parties — A parenting coordinator can also monitor compliance with the parenting plan to ensure both parents are meeting their responsibilities.

The types of issues a parent coordinator can help you with:

Most of us would agree that no two households are the same. Having the privilege of working with families of all different backgrounds and cultures over many years, equips Parenting Coordinators with a sharp understanding of the legal obligations and responsibilities parents must meet to act in their child’s best interests.

A parenting coordinator can help with:

• Custody scheduling — This can include organising “makeup” time and “swaps” between you and your partner. By working with a parent coordinator, you and your partner can enjoy a fair and equitable split, ensuring you both receive quality time with your children.
• Coordinating holidays and vacations with your ex — If you would like to take your children on holiday, we will help facilitate the conversation with your ex-partner to prevent disputes while ensuring your parental rights are maintained.
• Making travel and passport arrangements — As part of your efforts to take your children travelling, a parenting coordinator can help manage this process.
• Determining appropriate recreational activities —  Assist in reaching agreements with your partner about recreational and extracurricular activities, tutoring, vacation care and other school choices.
• Health management of children — This can refer to resolving disputes on where you and your partner stand regarding vaccinations, administering medications and any other issue if your child has specific medical needs.
• Religion and other spiritual guidance —  Helping you successfully navigate religious observance and other spiritual education concerning your child with your ex.
• Child-rearing issues — This can refer to your feelings about body piercings, how your child presents to society, how much television or social media they consume and to what extent and more.
• Improving communication between parents — If you and your partner struggle to communicate and agree amicably, a parenting coordinator can offer suggestions for improving this.
• Handling recurring substance abuse — If substance abuse is prevalent in your family, a parenting coordinator can help manage these high-intensity situations, e.g., testing.
• Managing the roles of significant others — If there are other parental figures in your child’s life, e.g., stepparents and grandparents, a parenting coordinator can  ensure all involved parties clearly understand their roles in your child’s upbringing.
• Other relevant disagreements — This can refer to any other day-to-day disagreements you and your partner may encounter, including sharing children’s items.

Who is parenting coordination suitable for?

Parenting coordination can be suitable for parents who are separated or divorced and have ongoing disputes or conflicts about co-parenting their children. It can be particularly helpful for parents who:

• Have difficulty communicating with each other effectively about co-parenting issues
• Have ongoing conflicts related to parenting decisions, such as schooling, healthcare or visitation.
• Are unable to make decisions together without the assistance of a neutral third party
• Have children who are experiencing stress or negative effects due to their parents’ ongoing conflicts or separation.
• Are committed to improving their co-parenting relationship and creating a healthy environment for their children.

However, parenting coordination may not be suitable in all cases, especially if there is a history of domestic violence, abuse, or if one parent is unwilling to participate. In these circumstances, we may recommend alternative solutions based on your particular case.

When should you use a parenting coordinator?

Every parent wants the best for their children, which is why in most cases, separating parents are aware of when to consult with an experienced parenting coordinator who can assist in making fair and equitable decisions. Here are some specific situations when you may want to consider using a parenting coordinator:

• Ongoing conflicts — If you and your partner are experiencing ongoing conflicts related to co-parenting decisions, a parenting coordinator can help you work through these issues and develop effective communication and decision-making strategies.
• Difficulty communicating — A parenting coordinator can help facilitate communication and ensure that you can effectively discuss co-parenting issues.
• Legal disputes — If your matter involves legal disputes related to child custody or co-parenting, a parenting coordinator can help you work towards a resolution and provide recommendations to the court.
• High-conflict situations — A high level of conflict between separating parties is not uncommon. A parenting coordinator can help you develop strategies to reduce conflict and create a more stable co-parenting environment for your children.
• Children experiencing emotional stress — Divorce and separation can take an emotional toll on children, just as much as it does on parents. If your children are experiencing negative effects due to your separation, a parenting coordinator can help you create a healthier and more stable environment for them.

What’s the difference between parenting coordination, family dispute resolution and mediation?

Parenting coordination, family dispute resolution and mediation are all forms of alternative dispute resolution that can assist parents in resolving ongoing conflict related to co-parenting their children. However, there are some key differences between the three:

• Family dispute resolution is a broader term encompassing a range of processes used to resolve conflicts related to family law matters, not just issues regarding the welfare of a child. This can include issues such as divorce and property division.
• Mediation is a process where a neutral third party helps disputing couples reach a mutually acceptable agreement across several areas of their separation. The mediator does not make decisions for the parties but instead facilitates the negotiation process.
• The parenting coordination process works with parents to resolve conflicts related to co-parenting their children only. They may make recommendations, but ultimately, the separated parents remain in control of the decision-making process. Unlike mediation and family dispute resolution practice, parenting coordination sessions are not confidential, ensuring each party adheres to their responsibilities.

Parenting Coordination involves different duties, including:

• assessment;
• parent education;
• coordination and case management;
• communication oversight and skills training (may include email monitoring);
• conflict management, including discussion, a form of mediation and negotiation and consensus building;
• coaching;
• monitoring/compliance; and
• as a last resort, providing non-binding directions.

A Parenting Coordinator can help you with:

• implement your parenting plan;
• resolve urgent child issues that arise out of an Order or Parenting Plan;
• reduce conflict;
• refocus parents on their children’s needs;
• improve your problem solving and conflict-resolution skills as a co-parent;
• better communicate with your ex;
• avoid the legal system;
• fill in the “gaps” in your Parenting Plan or Consent Order.

Parenting Coordination is not:

• therapy or counselling;
• formal evaluation or investigation;
• diagnosis of psychological conditions;
• mediation (only);
• legal representation;
• arbitration;
• confidential.

Parenting Coordination is different from mediation and family dispute resolution as it:

1. Is not a process to negotiate or develop a complete Parenting Plan or Consent Order. Family dispute resolution and confidential mediation are better suited to this.
2. It is not confidential. Unlike mediation and family dispute resolution, you will both be accountable for your behaviour.

A Parenting Coordinator provides a strong buffer for separating families.

Parenting Coordination can reduce child stress, can improve the co-parenting relationship and can increase parental cooperation and respect.

It is a good alternative to the Family Court system and can reduce the possibility of future litigation.

Who are Parenting Coordinators?

A Parenting Coordinator is a qualified professional (either a lawyer or social scientist) who has undertaken specialist postgraduate training.  It is important to choose a Parenting Coordinator for your family who is properly qualified and you feel is well-suited to assist you with your difficulties.  

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Lawyer assisted mediation and  family dispute resolution, if utilised well, is really the gold standard for separating couples in conflict to quickly move towards a resolution. Mediators and family lawyers both play an important role in helping separated couples in conflict reach agreement through mediation and dispute resolution

Lawyers are trained in the legal aspects of family law and can provide legal advice about what the Family Court is likely to do if you file an application in the court and ask a judge to make a decision about your matter. Lawyers can give you advice about the likely best and worst case scenarios for your particular family circumstances which help you make informed decisions.

Mediators are trained in communication skills and conflict resolution. They can help you talk to each other effectively, even when talking is undertaken remotely or in a shuttle mediation format. Mediators are experienced at helping you identify common ground and developing mutually beneficial solutions.

Magic can happen when all of these skills are in the one room. Family lawyers and mediators working well together provide a comprehensive approach to you being able to resolve your conflict through family dispute resolution and avoid the stressful, lengthy and costly experience of a family law court case after the already difficult time you are having as a newly separated spouse, partner and/or parent.

In the family dispute resolution process or in a mediation, good family lawyers listen actively to the concerns and issues of not only you, their client, but everyone in the room. They are adaptable and can change course midway through and use their problem solving experience to offer solutions and think outside the box which all contributes to helping you reach the best agreement for your family.

Keep in mind however that you are the one making the decisions in mediation. You are the one who has to live with the agreements you reach including the consequences of going to court if an agreement cannot be found. Importantly, you should remember the mediator and the family lawyers will leave soon and it’ll be you that is left having to deal with your life and deal with the outcomes of the mediation.

Experienced professionals only want the best for you and your family and can effectively employ their skills to help you achieve that. So, how can you determine which mediator is truly well placed to look after you? Experience tells us that it is worthwhile to ask yourself:

1. Does my family lawyer use active listening skills? Do they really understand my concerns or are they only dealing reactively with surface issues?
2. Is my family lawyer creative and strategic? Can they offer recommendations that, while maybe a little unconventional, are a great fit for me?
3. Is my family lawyer flexible? Can they adapt to the ever-changing lives of me and my family or are they stuck on a fixed course and only able to offer a narrow range of outcomes?
4. Does my family lawyer reframe my negative comments sometimes said by me about my ex when I am letting off steam? Or do they run amok with what in hindsight was simply something I had to get off my chest ie. are they themselves insightful enough to hold space for me in this process?

A good family law mediator;

1. Is well respected in their field and has built longstanding professional relationships with their colleagues
2. Has the resolve to not let anyone give up too quickly
3. Is generous with their time
4. Is patient and empathetic while not losing sight of the need to facilitate an agreed outcome
5. Is up to date with current thinking and can offer a wealth of experience in family law to bring to your negotiating table
6. Can keep everybody accountable in the process and is able to have a quiet word with one of the family lawyers should some of the ground rules start to be disrespected.

Separation inevitably brings with it heightened emotions. Experienced family law mediators and family lawyers who are comfortable in this space and level -headed are really worth their weight in gold.  Keeping you out of court is their main objective and this enables you to move on quickly with confidence and certainty.

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Collaborative Family Law focuses on your interests, needs, and concerns, and not on fixed positions that you may take.  So, what are interests, needs, and concerns and how are they different?

Interests

Interests are your desires or goals–the things that you want to achieve in a conflict situation. Unlike positions – which are simple statements such as “I’m pro-choice” or “I’m pro-life” – the interest underlying those positions is the answer to the question ‘WHY do you want that?” or “WHY do you feel that way?” On the pro-choice side, the interest might then be to protect the ability of the mother to make her own health care decisions, while on the pro-life side, it may be to uphold a belief that people should not make the choices about life and death.

Negotiations that focus primarily on interests are called interest-based negotiations.

Focussing on interests rather than positions works for two reasons. The first, for every interest there usually exist several possible positions that could satisfy it.  The second, reconciling interests rather than compromising between positions also works because behind opposed positions lie many more common interests than conflicting ones.

Focusing on interests can help you to uncover hidden problems and allow you to identify which issues are of most concern to you.  Focusing on interests can resolve the problems underlying a dispute more effectively than focusing on rights or power.  This is because reconciling interests tends to generate a higher level of mutual satisfaction, better relationships, and lower transaction costs than resorting to rights or power contests.

When you define your conflict in terms of positions, you are likely to appear to be highly intractable, since one person wants something that the other completely opposes. Therefore, rather than describing a dispute in terms of positions about what you want, it is often helpful to redefine the situation in terms of the reasons that underlie these positions.  By focusing on underlying interests rather than overt positions, resolution-resistant conflicts often become easier to solve.  This is because, in many cases, interests are compatible, even when positions are not.  Focusing on interests enables you to identify win-win solutions to problems that might not have been evident when the issues were described in terms of position.

Needs

Needs are not necessarily only linked to basic needs for survival such as the need or safety and security, but can be related to assertion of identity.

Needs are the goals pursued by an individual or a group in order to survive. They can have an objective nature if the lack of provision of these needs results in a physical threat to survival (basic needs). They can also be subjective (perceived needs) when they are not a direct factor in survival.  Positions, on the other hand, are the expression of the aim or goal of a person. Positions are always subjective.

Needs and positions can be the same thing in two situations:

• With perceived needs – where the person cannot separate their personal perception of a need from the reality of the situation;
• When the person expresses their need clearly within their position.

Concerns

A concern is something that makes you feel worried.  The difference between a concern and worry however, is that a concern usually focusses on wanting to find a solution whereas a worry is just ruminating about something distressing.

Concerns help us focus, plan, clarify a purpose and implicitly involves caring for others.

Examples

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